I can never stop talking. There are always words on the tip of my tongue. Always a statement trying to escape my lips. There is always something.

You leave me with nothing. You leave me silent. My lips become paralyzed.

I know I love you because there is so much to say, but you leave me silent.

x

Every tear is just a pathetic reminder that it all actually meant something to me.

x

It’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you, everything I do.

Heaven is a place on earth with you, tell me all the things you wanna do. I heard that you like the bad girls, honey is that true? 💕

You know what scares the shit out of me, the fact that people can just become memories. Everything feels so real, like this is how it will always be. These will be the people that will always be here. But more often than not, the people surrounding you will become memories. We take advantage of the moments we get with every person that surrounds us.
Our best friends, our parents, our colleagues, our lovers. They will all become a story or a late night thought or a piece of clothing.
And there is nothing we can do about it.

x

Mad

You think I’m mad at you. And yeah, I am. But most of all I’m mad at myself.

I’m mad at myself because no matter what we can’t go back to how it was.

I’m mad at myself for trusting you. Even as just a friend. You were a great friend, I didn’t think you would hurt me like this.

I’m mad at myself for pursuing you, even though it takes two to tango.

I’m mad at myself for falling for you when all you were really doing was leading me on.

I’m mad at myself for letting you in. For telling you my deepest darkest secrets. For listening to yours.

I’m mad at myself for hurting over someone who doesn’t even care enough so talk to me.

I’m mad at myself for loving your smile. Your eyes. Your laugh.

I’m mad at myself for believing when you told me you wanted to be single. But you didn’t. You just didn’t want me. You wanted me to be there regardless.

But mostly I’m mad at myself because I don’t want to hate you even though you’ve immensely fucked me over. I don’t want to ignore you. I don’t want to cry about you. I’m mad at myself because we can’t go back to how it was when I believed that this was real. I’m mad at myself because all I want is for all of this to be set right. I want to be able to trust you. To spend time with you. To have you be my friend. Or to have you as more. I’m mad at myself because I still believe this could happen.

So yes, I’m mad at you, but most of all I’m mad at myself.

OOTD

Tell me I’m your national anthem.

x

“But I always w…

“But I always wonder about that. If people could see me the way I see myself–if they could live in my memories–would anyone, anyone, love me?”

An Abundance of Katherines, John Green

Is beauty more than skin deep?

I still haven’t decided if I think I’m pretty yet. I feel like it’s so easy for other people to decide who they think is pretty or if they are pretty themselves. Society has created an image of what’s acceptable, what is beautiful, and I don’t know if I fit it.
Sometimes I just stare at pictures of myself like wondering if I’m actually pretty or if I’m forever going to be the girl that they say “you’re beautiful on the inside”, which is good, but it isn’t everything.
I can’t tell if I have “pretty” attributes because whenever I look at a picture of myself I can only pick out the flaws. Isn’t it weird how I’ve had this face, this body, forever, but I still can’t figure out if I like it or if I will always yearn to look different? Is this a sickness or is this just the norm nowadays?

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You

So long story short, there’s this guy. How about I just call him “you”. Well, he is consuming my mind and I just need to get it all out. By the end of this, you will probably understand the situation.

You were never truly mine. You were always a question mark. Always a friend. Always a hook up. Always a maybe. It was never definitive. Nothing between us was ever made clear at all. But yet my heart is still aching and you are still lingering in my mind.
I fell for you. There is no doubting that. I could feel it right after I met you. You were always a great friend. And maybe I just started to realize when my friends would talk about how great you were. But even though I kind of had someone, I never thought about setting you up. No, I hated the thought of that. Maybe I realized when you told me “you deserve better” and all I could think about was you. When I knew things with my “summer fling” that lasted a little too long were over, I wanted to have you right away. However, I was wary. You were one of my best friends since arriving to school and I didn’t want to hinder anything. But there was no denying the chemistry. Well let’s cut to it, I ended up getting you, in a sense. But looking back, if I could trade it for another “sense”, I would in a heartbeat. Things were confusing on both parts, where do we go from here?
Nothing was exclusive, this is college. But the way you treated me after that was completely different. I was constantly with you. I smiled so much and was so giddy. I was feeling all the new exciting feelings and, yeah, I was falling hard. You knew what you were doing, and part of me thinks you wanted it to. But you fought it. You didn’t want to be tied down. Neither did I, I just didn’t want to stop feeling how I was. We agreed to keep things completely platonic, but it was far too late. Our friendship was poisoned with deeper feelings and sexual tension that couldn’t be ignored.
I was confused. I would be with you and be so happy and then you would leave and I had no idea what was going on. I still don’t know if you felt the same or if this was all some game that you had the upper hand in.
Like any silly girl, I needed answers. I couldn’t keep blindly falling for someone without knowing if the feeling was mutual. I played through the scenario in my head for weeks and weeks. I knew I needed to tell you that if I wasn’t what you wanted, you needed to let me go, stop leading me on, and we needed to just be friends. I was foolish. I knew exactly what would happen. I would explain this all and you would agree. You would be okay with just being friends. And even though I knew this would happen, there was still a shred of hope that you would say no. You would fight. You would want me.
Well that shred of hope was stupid. And it all went down exactly as I thought. I thought by doing this, I would have the upper hand. But here I am, 1 AM, laying in bed thinking about you and writing this.
You were never truly mine, but I still feel like I lost you. I hate that I still want you, even after you made it so blatantly obvious you don’t want me. I hate that I fell for you. I hate that you led me on. I hate that I’m still thinking about you. I hate that I can’t be exactly what you want, when you are exactly what I want.
I hate all these things but there is still one thing I don’t hate,
You.
x

So here we go

I’ve been going back and forth about creating a blog for a long time. You see, I have this thing where my mind is constantly going crazy. There is a constant flood of thoughts of all kinds, happy, sad, philosophical. Sometimes I say them out loud, but most of the time I’m ignored, hence, blissfully insignificant. The thing is I’m not really THAT insignificant. I have tons of people in my life that I am significant to. But when it comes down to the things like this, I’m just kind of pushed aside. So this is just gonna be a place where I post my thoughts. My inspirations. My stories. Just to get them out. Hope if you’re reading this (if anyone ends up reading this) you enjoy, and maybe even agree.

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