by la vie de McGee

So long story short, there’s this guy. How about I just call him “you”. Well, he is consuming my mind and I just need to get it all out. By the end of this, you will probably understand the situation.

You were never truly mine. You were always a question mark. Always a friend. Always a hook up. Always a maybe. It was never definitive. Nothing between us was ever made clear at all. But yet my heart is still aching and you are still lingering in my mind.
I fell for you. There is no doubting that. I could feel it right after I met you. You were always a great friend. And maybe I just started to realize when my friends would talk about how great you were. But even though I kind of had someone, I never thought about setting you up. No, I hated the thought of that. Maybe I realized when you told me “you deserve better” and all I could think about was you. When I knew things with my “summer fling” that lasted a little too long were over, I wanted to have you right away. However, I was wary. You were one of my best friends since arriving to school and I didn’t want to hinder anything. But there was no denying the chemistry. Well let’s cut to it, I ended up getting you, in a sense. But looking back, if I could trade it for another “sense”, I would in a heartbeat. Things were confusing on both parts, where do we go from here?
Nothing was exclusive, this is college. But the way you treated me after that was completely different. I was constantly with you. I smiled so much and was so giddy. I was feeling all the new exciting feelings and, yeah, I was falling hard. You knew what you were doing, and part of me thinks you wanted it to. But you fought it. You didn’t want to be tied down. Neither did I, I just didn’t want to stop feeling how I was. We agreed to keep things completely platonic, but it was far too late. Our friendship was poisoned with deeper feelings and sexual tension that couldn’t be ignored.
I was confused. I would be with you and be so happy and then you would leave and I had no idea what was going on. I still don’t know if you felt the same or if this was all some game that you had the upper hand in.
Like any silly girl, I needed answers. I couldn’t keep blindly falling for someone without knowing if the feeling was mutual. I played through the scenario in my head for weeks and weeks. I knew I needed to tell you that if I wasn’t what you wanted, you needed to let me go, stop leading me on, and we needed to just be friends. I was foolish. I knew exactly what would happen. I would explain this all and you would agree. You would be okay with just being friends. And even though I knew this would happen, there was still a shred of hope that you would say no. You would fight. You would want me.
Well that shred of hope was stupid. And it all went down exactly as I thought. I thought by doing this, I would have the upper hand. But here I am, 1 AM, laying in bed thinking about you and writing this.
You were never truly mine, but I still feel like I lost you. I hate that I still want you, even after you made it so blatantly obvious you don’t want me. I hate that I fell for you. I hate that you led me on. I hate that I’m still thinking about you. I hate that I can’t be exactly what you want, when you are exactly what I want.
I hate all these things but there is still one thing I don’t hate,